Life has been scary lately.
Not scary as in, “lock the doors and hide the children.” Just, “OMG, I’m on a never-ending roller-coaster ride with an infinite amount of those upside down turn-y thingies.”
I feel like I am constantly bracing myself for what is coming next. Which, is definitely a plus because it means I am truly living. But also slightly anxiety provoking at times. Times are ‘a changin’ because a) I just got a temporary research job (yay! money!), b) I’m moving out of my current apartment in May because the roommate and landlord drama is more than I can handle, c) I’m looking for a temporary lease for the summer (which is stressful because I am *not* a spur of the moment, short-term kind of gal), and d) I’m thismuch closer to officially going back to school #2 (again, stressful because this is a large decision with potentially large implications).
Some stress that I am feeling derives from me getting this temporary research job. School #1 is renowned for its research, and research is something that I see myself delving into seriously at some point. Getting the job has made me start to worry that school #2 might not be the best for me. But at the same time, all I can envision is myself being back at school #2. So, um…I’m not sure if I am re-thinking my decision because I *know* I have options, if I am re-thinking my decision because I’m scared to change the status quo, or if I am re-thinking my decision because school #1 is where I am meant to be.
I definitely do not love where I am living right now, nor do I love this city, nor have I been pleased with how my program has been going. I definitely do not love how small living here has made me felt, nor do I love how living here has made me slowly regress to old ways. I don’t love the idea of being trapped in a city I hate and being 3 hours away from the boy. But I don’t want to be one of those girls who gave up everything for a relationship. At the same time, I logically know that going back to school #2 does not equal giving up on everything because I will still have a Dr. in front of my name. When I was taking classes at school #2, that was the first time I felt like I did not want to live somewhere else; I knew that exploration and new experiences would always have to be part of my life but I could see myself building a life there. So my choice should be simple, on paper at least, but making decisions like this has never been my forte. /ramble
This is why I spy another tiny grey hair on my head.
I just don’t. know. This week is projected to be the most laid-back week of the semester so hopefully I can use some of my free time to go spinning, yoga-ing, and maybe iron out all of this craziness. I am currently spandex-ed up for a hardcore sweat sesh at my favorite spinning studio and I’m ready to sprint and faux-climb my way out of at least a little anxiety. Thankfully, sweating profusely tends to give me clarity.